my only love
by jcdheart
Summary: 18 months after edward leaves, bella tries to kill herself. she leaves letters for everyone. As she finally finally falls into an unconscious state and dreams of being saved by edward. But was it all really a dream?
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note**: it's been a depressing day and I felt this should be written. I know I've neglected my other stories but I've been busy and….. I have had no inspiration till tonight. Sorry maybe since I'm out of school maybe I can write more :D. Oh and I don't own twilight just the idea. *cough*it doesn't end like you think *cough*.

_Saying goodbye._

_**CH.1**_

It's been 1 year 5 months 29 days since he left me. In two days it will be 18 months. I dropped out of school. I saw no reason to continue. He doesn't love me and he left my heart broken in a million pieces. I have tried going through the motions but it useless. I've wished on every star that he would just come back but it hasn't worked. Even my best friend Jacob has stopped talking to me. He was my ray of sunshine in this black hole. I still remember the first time me and him hung out when I came back to forks. He told me the story that said his reservation had wolves there and their enemy was the family that I used to be a part of. If Jacob was a wolf I wouldn't have cared, he doesn't have to distance himself. That's not true anyways.

I couldn't find a reason to live any more. If I wanted to end it before tomorrow I had to tie up some loose ends. I hopped into m truck and speed off to La Push. I knew the road by heart but I still took my time to take it in one last time. I drove up to in front of his place with a letter in my hand. I had written it a couple of days ago when I had decided to that this may be a possibility. I tucked the letter into my pocket and knocked on his door. After about 10 seconds Billy answered the door.

"Hey Bella." He said with a stern look.

"Is Jacob around?" I choked out. I knew the answer; it was the same 6 months ago as it will be now.

"Sorry Bella, he is out with Sam and his crew." Billy looked at me softly. He could tell I was desperate to talk to him.

"Ok, can I ask a last favor?" I took the letter out of my pocket. "Can you give this letter to Jacob? I promise it's the last ill ever ask of you." I handed him the letter. He nodded his head and took the letter. "Bye Billy." I got out before he closed the door right in my face. I couldn't help but let the tears fall down my face.

I walked back to my car. With the last glimmer of hope of mine and Jake's friendship extinguished I looked back at the house that I sought refuge at when I was on the brink of falling apart. He was my best friend, my own sun that I took advantage of. Maybe if I would have been able to love him like he loved me then maybe he would have not left either. But this is not the time for maybes or what ifs. I just wish I could have seen him smile once more before I leave, but beggars can't be choosers so at least I was able to give Billy his letter.

I got into my truck and turned it on. I started to drive down the road when I saw him and Sam talking. I didn't know if I should stop or not. I decided to just drive on. I passed him and with some tears still rolling down my cheeks. I don't know if he saw me or not but I don't care, he can't stop me now. I looked in my rear view mirror and I saw a dumbfounded look on his face as I drove by. Like I said he can't stop me, even if he wanted to. I drove through town knowing where my next destination was, Denali, Alaska.

I wanted to leave everyone their letters there, I knew at some point in time they will have to see them. Maybe Alice will see the letters and will send him to stop me but that will never happen. If she hasn't seen me by now then she never will. She never cared.

When I finally reached Denali I remembered the he had once told me how to get there but it was foggy, I had shut off everything to deal with him. I had remembered the pictures of the house and I had finally found the place after driving around for 3 hours. I walked up to their house and knocked on the door. It was about 10 at night but then I remembered they were vampires. It was Eleazar I believe who opened the door. They definitely were vampires.

"Is this the Denali coven?" I really hoped that I had the right place.

The man smiled and said, "Yes my dear. Who may I ask are you?"

"I am Bella, I came to ask a favor of you coven." I was afraid they might recognize me and turn me away.

"You're the girl that Edward is in love with. Yes my dear come right on in." I hadn't heard his name in over a year, it still stung. I came in and sat on their couch. I grabbed six letters out of my pocket.

"You are Eleazar right?" I asked gingerly.

"Yes. Now what favor do you need of us?" he was being nice to me so maybe they don't know. Hopefully this works.

I took a deep breath. "Well I wanted to ask if you would give these letters to the...Cullens." their name I choked on. By the look on his face he was thoroughly confused.

"My dear may I ask why? Or at least what has happened?" I couldn't tell him the whole thing but I would try.

"well a year and a half ago they left and I wanted to give them these letters since I knew they weren't coming back, I hoped that one day when they come to visit that you would give them to them. There is one for Esme, Carlisle, Rosalie, Emmett, Jasper, and Alice. I'm not asking you to deliver them right now but when you see them next just try and make them read it. I will miss them dearly and it would mean a lot to me." I held in the tears that had built up.

"Where is the letter for Edward? He is the one you love isn't he?" he didn't mean any harm by asking but I felt like the hole was opening back up.

"I don't have one for him." With that I stood up. "I have to go now. Please do this last request for me." he nodded his head, I handed him the letters, and with that I headed out the door. I could feel the last bit of this dark hole consume me. I was falling apart worse than ever. I hadn't slept in the past 24 hours but I didn't care I got into my car and drove back to forks.

I headed into my house as quietly as I could and grabbed a couple of candles, a lighter, and a blanket. I left Charlie's letter on his table. I put everything in the car and headed back into the house. I went quietly up to my room and cleaned up as much as I could in 5 min. Charlie would soon wake up. I went into his room to remember him like this. He looked so peaceful asleep; I wish I could find peace in my dreams. I went over and gave him a kiss on the forehead. The time I've spent here has been the best and I would never regret being here. I hope he takes this well.

I hopped into my car and went to the one place that has always been special to me. I had luckily already mapped out where I needed to go. It was still dark and very cloudy. I made it there in an impressive time. Right before any light had broke. I laid down my blanket and lit the candles. I sat there and watched the sun rise. It would be my last one. "No Bella." I heard a voice whisper. I had been blocking his voice for a long time now. After the cliff diving I didn't want to hear him anymore.

I sat there and let all the walls I had built up break down. I thought about all the good times we all had had. The first time I saw him, the first time we came to the meadow, the first time he said I love you, and I remembered everything. I thought of Jacob and how he had helped me so much. I wonder if he got his letter. That reminds me.

I pulled a 2 page letter out of my pocket and set it in the tree that I first walked through when we came here. I lay back down on my blanket with the candles still burning. It was early in the morning and the sun beams were over me. I wish I could see him with the sunlight over him again. I closed my eyes and tried to remember but memories didn't serve him justice.

I had finally waited my time; I wasn't going to continue this anymore. If they cared Alice would see what I'm about to do and one of them would have saved me. If Jacob would of cared he would of came looking for me but he hasn't. I couldn't help it but I started to cry. I looked in the distance still hoping someone was there to save me but there was nobody. I remember Edward told me that being changed was like being set on fire so maybe when he gets the news he will get the message that I loved him and would, and did, give him my heart and soul. "You promised Bella." His voice yelled. "Don't do it." He said sternly. Didn't he promise me that he loved me? I don't care all promises went out the window when he left.

I knocked all the candles over as I lay back on the blanket as the final walls that were protecting my heart. "I love you my family, all of you. I love you my best friend Alice and Jacob, I'm sorry I couldn't be the best friend you wanted. I love you Edward. I'm sorry I was never enough for you." with those final words I went numb from the hole in my chest finally ripping me apart.

I could feel my skin burning and every part of me being set ablaze. I still couldn't scream that pain was nothing compared to what my heart was feeling. If this is all that you had to deal with to be a vampire then they were wimps. This is easy. The fire continued to lick at my skin. I could feel myself slipping away slowly. I didn't want to be unconscious I wanted to feel this pain; I wanted to know what was so bad about being a vampire. My whole body was going numb but it was still painful. I could feel myself give a final breath as I the flames over took my face and I couldn't breathe no more. This was death, or at least the last seconds of life. With these seconds of life then all I want to think about was how he loved me. I repeated in my mind I love you Edward. I fell into an endless dream of my angel saving me and loving me.


	2. Chapter 2

**Authors Note: **yeah I know I have taken forever to write but it's just hard to find the time. I want to get this written before school starts. I can't promise anything but I'll try to update more. Please enjoy. Comments are more then welcomed!

**Disclaimer: **I don't own because I haven't written in forever. :/ sorry.

**A new day**

I was dreaming that as Edward came and saved me. He told me was sorry and that he still loved me. It hurt for him to touch me but his cold touch felt so good. I could see the tears that would never fall fill his eyes. I wanted to comfort him but I couldn't move... it was like I was numb. I wanted to see him smile, not in this pain. He shouldn't be sad in my dreams. He looked down at me and started sob and shake. Then he yelled, "Please no don't leave me." silly Edward you left me. I looked at him in awe he looked even more perfect then ever before. If only he would kiss me again.

I saw his eyes were a deep black and I knew that this had to be uncomfortable. I finally got my hand to raise a little bit to touch his face. I felt like my arm weighed a ton but I did it. He was shocked when I touched him. He instantly hopped up, with me in his arms, and called someone. Why was he in such panic? All of a sudden things started to become dizzy and blurry. Then everything went black. I guess this was my last dream ever.

_3 days later _

My whole body felt like it was on fire. My head was pounding and I felt nothing but the burn. I must be going to hell for me to go through all this pain. Really the pain was relief to the pain I had gone through while I was alive. I felt the burn slowly start to fade from my hands and feet. Then it slowly dissipated from my arms and legs. I could feel my heart speed up. Maybe my body was slowly getting used to it or maybe they are sending me to heaven. I wasn't really for sure. The pain eventually all dissolved to my heart where it pounded out like freight train going full speed. Then finally it gave a final thud. Well there was no pain so I must be either in heaven or hell.

Truthfully I was scared to open my eyes. I knew that either way I would see an afterlife of some kind. I slowly opened my eyes and realized that I was lying on a hospital bed. The smell of something sweet covered in harsh chemicals had filled the room. My vision had become so sharp that I could see dust particles. Also I could see so many vibrant colors as I looked up at what was to be a ceiling. I closed my eyes and listened. I couldn't hear anything but wind. I took a deep breath and dissected the smells. There was one of roses, lilacs, sweet vanilla, freesia, honey, evergreen, and warm cookies. It was all wonderful. Maybe I was in heaven. I sat up with my eyes still closed. I stretched a little and took a breath but I found no relief in it. I realized I didn't need to breathe anymore. I slowly opened my eyes and what I saw was a mind blowing sight.

Alice P.O.V

Seeing realization fall across her face that she was not dead and was vampire was a little bit comical. She first looked shocked then realization set then anger befall across her face. Jasper and Emmett stood in front of Esme, Rosalie, and me. Carlisle was standing beside Bella trying to explain to her what happened. I saw her scan the room and she saw me and gave me a genuine smile but then it turned into a grimace. I felt so bad for not coming after her before things had gotten this bad. Edward had made me promise to not look for her future. I looked once and she seemed fine. She was at school talking to Angela. I assumed that maybe she had tried to make the best of her life. I never would have guessed that she would have tried to commit suicide. She continued to search the room and found jasper. She gave him a small smile. Jasper had always blamed himself for Edward leaving her and he really hadn't been the same since we left. Really none of us had been the same. Bella had become part of the family and when Edward left her she took a big part of us with her. I wanted to run up and give her the biggest hug but I knew it was dangerous.

She still continued to search for someone until someone touched her hand. She jumped out of the bed and flipped over to the other side of the room. She landed into a defensive crouch. Then she saw who had touched her hand. She stood up and she did her signature bit of her lip. She was trying to hold in whatever emotion she was feeling. She took a deep breath and looked at her feet. If she could still blush she probably would. I looked at Jasper and he was still looking at her trying to keep her calm I presume. Edward slowly made his way over to Bella. We were all afraid of this reunion. He left her and she was devastated. Then she tried to kill herself and now she is seeing him again.

BPOV

I was speechless. It was him. God must be playing some sick joke on me. He knew he had hurt me. I saw everyone in his family to, even my ex best friend. You know the one that could see into the future and could of stopped me but didn't? Yeah that one. The only one I felt sorry for was jasper. Cause it was never his fault.

What made this even worse was the fact I was a vampire in this sick joke. I really just wanted to stomp off and just leave, hoping it would be the end of it. Edward was standing in front of me. The man that broke my heart and left me to rot in that small town. I had nothing to say to him. He destroyed everything about me. I could feel my eyes start prickling some but I knew I couldn't cry. I felt a wave of calm trying to creep over me. I knew it was jaspers gift so I accepted it.

I felt calm instantly. Carlisle spoke to me first. "Bella are you thirsty dear?" I wasn't thinking about it until he said something. So I just nodded my head. "Jasper, Emmett and Edward why don't you take her on her first hunt?" I closed my eyes and took an unnecessary deep breath to relax myself. I heard them all agree and the ladies leave the room. I opened my eyes. And saw that Edward was over in the group with jasper and Emmett. Carlisle was cleaning up the hospital bed and I felt bad for all the mess I had made. I walked over to the group and Edward lead the way to the outside door with jasper and Emmett right behind me.

No words were spoken; no gestures were made until Emmett had to say something. "Bella I missed you so much!" he grabbed me up in a big hug and spun me around. I had missed Emmett a lot. He was like the teddy bear that you couldn't stay mad at.

When Emmett sat me down jasper came up to me and gave me hug. "Bella I'm so sorry about all of this. I've missed you too! Now I can actually be near you with wanting to kill you!" It made me smile that I was not hurting him so I lightly hugged him back. I had to be careful with my strength.

"I have missed you all too." I said. Well it sounded more like bells and like smooth velvet. Actually everyone's voices sounded like pure silk. Also everyone had their own distinct smell. I could tell them all apart with eyes closed. Everything was so sharp and distinct with my new senses. Their beauty was nothing compared to what I remembered, even him. My memories had never served him justice.

"Hellooo? Bella!" Emmett was yelling at me and waving his hand in front of my face. "Are we going to go hunt or are we going to stare off into space all day?" I laughed a little and hit him in the shoulder. "Ow Bella that actually hurt." We all had laughed while he rubbed his arm. For once I was actually stronger than him. "I'll get you back but first we all have to go hunt. Eddie boy's eyes couldn't get any darker." At that moment I looked at him. I don't know how but somehow his eyes had turned blacker and the circles under his eyes were a dark shade of purple. I had never seen him in such bad shape.

Jasper then piped up and grabbed my arm, "Let's go then!" I never expected Jasper to be so upbeat. He pulled me along and showed me how to jump over the river and I was actually quite graceful. We finally got pretty deep into the woods and we had all stopped. "Now, Bella close your eyes. Listen and look for an aroma that smells sweet but not all that great." I did what he said and I took a deep breath in and it hit me. The smell was sweet but a little sour at the same time. My mouth started to salivate and my throat started to burn worse. "Now follow your instincts." In an instant I was off after this appetizing scent. I saw it in the distance and it was a small elk. I launched at it and sunk my teeth into it. I was messy and had gotten it everywhere. Though I had finished it quickly, I was still thirsty.

The next thing I knew the wind picked up and brought along the most delicious sent. I ran as fast as I could toward it. I felt something following me but the scent was too good to stop. I could tell I was almost close when I felt the sudden urge to defend my prey and take it for myself. I turned around and got in my defensive position. I growled at them. It was Edward I had growled at. Yes he deserved it but it hit me that I was going after a human. I stopped growling and stood back up. He watched me very carefully. I felt so horrible for almost killing a human and almost attacking someone. I stood there and tried to cry but I couldn't.

Edward wrapped his arms around me. "Bella it's ok. You didn't hurt anyone. That was so impressive the way you stopped in mid hunt." Was it wrong for me to say that I liked it when he wrapped his arms around me? I felt so… complete. Emmett and jasper had finally caught up. Edward had let me go. I let go of him and held my breath. "Guys lets head closer to the house to hunt for now. It that ok?" they both nodded and I let them lead the way to where we were to hunt. I was still holding my breath when we got to the spot. "You can breathe now the smell is gone." Very hesitantly I let out my breath and slowly took another one in. he was right it was gone.

We hunted for another hour letting me get a mountain lion that had torn my dress apart. Edward had let me borrow his shirt to help cover up. He had a mountain lion and two elk. Emmett and jasper just had some elk too. Their majority of time with me was making a joke about me. It felt like they still really cared.

Since I was overly full we decided that it was enough. We had a race back to the house. Since I was a new born I won but it was close. If I had not tripped over the branch I would have won without a doubt. Luckily only Edward saw and he wasn't going to tell the two knuckleheads who would never let me live it down. I came inside the house for the first time finally seeing everything the way it was supposed to be seen. It was a beautiful house. I sat down with everyone on the couch beside jasper and Emmett. Apparently they were still wary of me. We all sat there for a minute in awkward silence. I had wondered if they had all gotten their letters…

"What letters?" Alice questioned. Ok well that's good that they never got them. I'll have to go get them later and burn them. They don't need to see them. Alice gave me a skeptical look, but I ignored it.

"Oh its nothing." I tried faking innocence. I smiled at them all. I think it was time that I had left. They had taught me enough for me to be on my own. I stood up and decided that I needed to move on. "Thank you guys for helping me and saving me. It really was a miracle. But I think it's time I go my own way." With that I turned to walk out the door to run to wherever I felt.

Since we had been hunting Edward spoke, "No Bella!" I turned to him in shock. He did not want me so why was he stopping me now. "You're not ready yet." I looked at him confused. What else would I need? "You should at least stay here until you feel one hundred percent sure of yourself." He looked at the floor. "I mean if you want to. We all want you to stay with us… we don't want you to leave." He looked at me, his eyes begging me to stay.

I really wanted to stay, but I didn't know if I would be bothersome. Also I didn't know if my heart could take seeing Edward so much. But what could a couple of months hurt? They could probably teach me more self control and stuff like that. With a sigh I said, "You really wouldn't mind me staying for a little bit?"

"Of course not Bella!" Emmett jumped up and shut the door that was half way open. He picked me up and threw me back onto the couch.

"I still haven't been able to talk to you," Alice chimed in, "or play Bella Barbie yet." The last part was like a whisper. I smiled at that.

"No one here has a complaint about you staying." Edward spoke out.

So with that I was going to stay here for a little while. I still wanted to figure out a lot, about the present and past.

**AN:** bet you didn't see that coming! Lol ok so it's predictable but it won't always be. Hope to update soon! Make sure to comment!


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